Scratch That

Well, I joined a club today. I really had no intention of joining this club and had actually counted myself lucky to have never been asked to join. I mean, their initiation procedures are pretty costly. Now, please understand I have nothing against other members of this club. In fact, I know quite a few members, from friends to family; some have kids, others don't. They're all very nice people, I just didn't especially want to be in their club. I've always been an outsider, not quite sure how to relate to them or what to say to them, but now I feel that I'm a kindred spririt and can share my story with the club. Hey, I might eventually be able to help future new members when they join, as they may be a little unsure as to what club membership entails.

So, what is this elite club that I'm refering to? It would be the group of women that have lost a child to miscarriage.

I know I've said this a lot lately, but I really am ok. It just happened this afternoon, but already, I'm feeling better. I'm of course sad and have shed my share of tears today. Oh, look at that, I'm tearing up again. But I think I'll be just fine after the initial shock has passed. I don't feel any guilt, like maybe it was something I did. I'm not asking "Why me?". I'm not angry with God. I still consider myself blessed beyond measure. These things happen, so why should I wonder why it would happen to me? It just did and I don't have to have a reason why.

I have a wonderful, supportive husband and an equally wonderful 2 year old. We're all healthy, we're all fed and clothed and there are much worse things that could be happening to us right now than what we're currently facing. I don't feel as if God has left me or didn't hear my prayers. He was my comforter and protector today just as he was yesterday and will be tommorow.

Please don't think that I'm not grieving for this baby. That's simply not true. In the few short weeks since we've known, we've already had hopes and expectations for this baby. I just tend to be a very objective person, (especially for a woman), and I know that God has a plan for us. This baby was not meant to join our family in this life. And that's ok.

There is the small matter of our little Clara. She had no idea what it meant to be a big sister, though she knew it was something to be very proud of. It will be even more difficult to explain that she's not going to be a big sister anymore. This morning, when I knew it was probably going to happen, Clara got in bed with us when she woke up. She laid with her head right by mine and kept saying "baby sister", "I'm big sister" and "baby tummy." That was the first time I cried about it. Daddy had to do some distracting for me.

For those that won't know what to say to me when you see me, that's ok. You don't have to say anything. For those that are good at saying something, go ahead. It's ok if I cry and you don't have to worry about saying the wrong thing. There are lots of women who think there are some things you shouldn't say in this situation, but as for all the standard, "It was meant to be", "I'm sure you'll have another child", "It was God's will" or "Your baby is in a better place"........ I actually don't see what's wrong with them. I'm thinking them all myself. But, that's apparently just me. Internet sources inform me that other women don't take so kindly to those particular types of comforting words. Just fyi. Hey, I'm here to inform.

So, once again, just keep us in your prayers. We could really use them.