Fun

I've had quite a few topics stirring around in my head these last few weeks and I'm having a hard time forcing myself to sit and sort them all out. So here we go. I'm sitting here at my computer while my youngest cries. And cries. And cries.

I've mentioned that I'm not a fan of crying it out. I tried it with Clara when she was a baby and everyone was telling me that I shouldn't be nursing her to sleep. I was a little surprised to hear that that wasn't an acceptable means of putting my nursing baby to sleep, but of course I didn't want to spoil her so I gave CIO a whirl. After four nights of crying I gave up on it. She cried for just as long, if not longer on that fourth night as she did the first. It's not that it really bothered me to hear her cry. It just felt completely wrong. It went against all of my instincts as a mother and wasn't working too terribly well anyway.

Apparently most babies will cry for a few minutes and then fall asleep peacefully. It's like they need that time to wind down or something. Well, Clara screamed until she threw up. The screaming got worse and worse and more frantic as the night progressed. Going in to her to reassure her only made it worse. So I decided that I'd just "spoil" her and deal with it later. She did just fine and has been a great sleeper so I guess I didn't mess her up too badly by nursing her to sleep.

Fast forward a few years and I've got another baby who only nurses to sleep. This one's not sleeping as well as Clara was at this point though and I've started to get a little frustrated. I let him CIO today and yesterday at naptime. I don't mind nursing him to sleep, but if I try twice to get him down and he still won't go down, I'm letting him cry. Yesterday he cried for 2 HOURS before falling asleep. He slept for 20 minutes. Today he cried for an hour and again slept for 20 minutes. I went in and nursed him when he woke and again he wouldn't go down, so he's been crying for almost another hour.

Yesterday: his bumper says it all

Every time I've let him CIO he's ended up falling asleep in a terribly uncomfortable position or with his face flat in the mattress which I'm not comfortable with. When I try to turn his head where he can breathe, he wakes up and we're back at square one. When he's fallen asleep sitting with his head between his knees he wakes after only a few minutes. Not only that but he wakes crabby and unrested. That doesn't surprise me too much. I would guess he falls asleep with a serious headache after so much crying. I know I always wake feeling terrible if I've been crying. So crying it out really isn't working for me (or him).

Today: sweet dreams baby boy

I much prefer waking up to a smiling, laughing baby next to me in bed because I was too tired to fuss with getting him back in his crib at 3:00 in the morning and so I just brought him to bed with me instead. Or nursing a baby to sleep during naptime so that we can both get a much needed nap and again waking to a smiling, happy, well-rested baby beside me. Call me crazy.

I've been trying to sort out my feelings about his sleep issues and my frustrations. I've decided that my frustration lies in the unrealistic expectations I have for him. In today's culture, we're bombarded by the media. I need only type a few words into my computer to have a vast fountain of knowledge at my disposal to fix each and every problem I might be experiencing with my little one. I love it sometimes, but other times it serves only to frustrate me more that my child isn't conforming to what all the experts say he should be doing. And when something doesn't work for me I start questioning what I'm doing wrong instead of questioning whether or not I should be worried about the particular problem in the first place. So I know how many hours of sleep (broken into naps and nighttime) my child should be getting at any particular age. I know that he should be on a well established routine to be a well-balanced, happy baby.

Supposedly I'm doing it all wrong by not putting him to sleep awake. I'm not allowing him to learn to soothe himself to sleep and therefore he'll be dependent on me to get to sleep for years to come. I'm supposed to put him down drowsy but not completely asleep. Um, that's nice and all but neither Clara nor Robert have a drowsy setting. They're either wide awake or asleep. And if they're wide awake and you put them in a lonely crib, then screaming ensues.

My question is, how many of these babies that soothe themselves to sleep do so with a pacifier? I know plenty of kids who take pacifiers at nap and bedtime until they're 2 or 3 and I don't think that's seen as a problem. Or how many suck their thumbs? Or have a security blanket or animal? Neither of mine have taken to ANY of these comfort items. Believe me, I've tried. I'm currently trying to get Robert attached to a stuffed animal by putting it between us when he nurses but it's not like you can force something like that. I was and am the only comfort item they've had. And you know, I really don't mind it. I don't have to worry about taking pacis away in the future. I don't have any concerns about getting my children to stop sucking their thumbs or any fear of losing a beloved security item that can't be replaced.

To me, one of the best feelings in the world is when Robert is upset and I put him to the breast. He immediately goes limp, he sighs a huge sigh of relief and his eyes roll back in his head. I really need to stop letting other people try to convince me that there is anything wrong with that. In those moments everything is right in his little world and it won't be forever. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. Soon he won't want to stop long enough to give me a hug and a kiss. And it won't be too much longer when he'll be embarrassed to even be seen with me. I think I'll soak up every moment with this baby and just put everyone else's opinions on the subject out of my mind.

Ok, I'm done :) That felt good.